Memorable Characters We Want to See Again
Article by: Greg Roberts
In 1987, audiences were introduced to Gordon Gekko, the infamous
character from Oliver Stone’s Wall Street that nabbed actor Michael
Douglas a well deserved Best Supporting Actor statuette. Now, almost 25
years later, Gordon Gekko is getting another chance to rock our
financial world in the release of Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps, now
Killerreviews sat down and went through our wasteful and alcohol
influenced memory banks to come up with other characters from the 1980’s
that we would love to see have a new millennium update. In no particular
order, here is our list with a helpful hint to any filmmaker brave enough to
dare revive our choices, as to where we would like to see our characters in
Lieutenant Marion 'Cobra' Cobretti
Sly has played a multitude of cops in his career. He’s played a comedic
cop (Stop! Or my Mom Will Shoot!), a fat cop (Cop Land), sci-fi cop
(Demolition Man) and a partnered cop (Tango & Cash). But his role as Lt.
Marion ‘Cobra’ Cobretti was always my favorite. The movie was atrocious, but
at least we got great lines such as “You’re the disease. I’m the cure”. By
the end of Cobra, Sly saved the girl, beat all the bad guys and left a trail
of dead cult members throughout the state.
Update Suggestion: Bring Cobra back as a mentor to a new, younger cop.
Cobra can be the Harry Callahan of 2011. Cobra is still driving the same
vintage car, wearing the same big glasses and still has a habit of chewing
matches. But when he and his new partner are assigned to take down a
possible terrorist cell, action and comedy both ensue as the younger cop
(Jason Statham sounds good) runs circles around Cobra and Sly is relegated
to making wimpy statements about but not being able to keep up due to
arthritis, back pain and a gun that jams more than it fires. He may still be
the cure, but at an age over 60 and working towards retirement, he has
plenty of diseases.
Ricky ‘Wild Thing’ Vaughn (Charlie
Sheen was the best thing in a very funny baseball comedy. His relief
pitcher Ricky Vaughn, who needed glasses to his catcher’s target, was a
character that you could cheer for. Ricky played for the Cleveland Indians
who have an owner that wants to relocate the team but can only do so if they
lose, lose, lose. Of course, the Indians rally and win the division.
Update Suggestion: Of course, Vaughn would be too old to pitch. Even
Rogers Clemens would agree that when you get into your mid-forties, you have
to consider hanging them up. So why not have him as a pitching coach hired
by the Cleveland Indians. Let’s see Ricky try to remain calm and relevant in
2011 while dealing with the new cool of the next generation. After all, his
awkward haircut could seem tame in comparison to what the young kids do
today to stand out. Think of all the steroid jokes.
Cameron Frye (Alan Ruck)
Ferris Beuller’s Day Off
Ferris might be the fun one, but straight man Cameron was a treat to
watch as Ferris pulled him through Chicago on many an adventure. The film
ends at the end of the school day. We know that Cameron has to explain the
Ferrari situation to his father and then go back to school the next day to
where we can assume he is hardly the centre of attention.
Update Suggestion: Cameron never got over living in Ferris’ shadow. And
20+ years later, things haven’t changed much as Ferris has written books,
become a Senator and is still the life of the party. Cameron is still
depressed and has little ambition outside of living off the Beuller
throwaways. So why not pick it up years later where we meet up with Cameron
who has married Beuller’s sister (who was played by Jennifer Grey in the
original). The whole movie we watch as Cameron tries to bring his life to
the attention of those around him only to have Ferris’ successes continually
outshine his accomplishments. I would suggest that Ferris isn’t even in the
movie. You could write it in such a way that every time Cameron does
something of significance, we learn through someone else in the movie how
Ferris just did something better. Say Cameron saves someone from being hit
from a car and then in the paper the next day he gets the corner section
while Ferris gets headlines for saving a group of nuns from a burning school
bus. Get my drift?
Pee Wee (Dan Monahan)
Poor Pee Wee. There couldn’t be a worse nickname given to a High School
student. He finally got laid at the conclusion of Bob Clark’s classic and
then came back for two sequels which were embarrassingly bad and were unable
to capture the magic of the original.
Update Suggestion: Pee Wee has the worst fate of all his mates. Meat,
Tommy, Billy and Tim have all moved on, but Pee Wee is now the guidance
counselor at Angel Beach High School and he has married Ms. Ballbrick’s
daughter. His life sucks, but his libido is still intact. So he still heads
to the place behind the women’s shower, but now he has shame to accompany
his masturbational fantasies. His life is now an assembly line of young kids
coming into his office telling them their sexual problems or issues with the
opposite sex. Having a student enter his office and tell him that they keep
a journal measuring the size of their erect penis would be priceless. Oh,
and his wife? She works at Porky’s.
Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy)
Billy went from bum to broker when he took over the firm in an
underhanded bet that displaced Louis Winthorpe III (Dan Ackroyd). But by the
end of the movie, Billy and Louis joined forces and we watched them walk
into one of the Twin Towers in New York where they then counter-schemed and
left Randolph and Mortimer Duke (Ralph Bellamy and Don Ameche) penniless.
Update Suggestion: Any movie that dealt with the financial boom of the
80’s should be updated a la Wall Street to represent the new economic
climate. So here’s the idea: Louis is still a trader, but Billy took the
money and has been living the retired high-life for the past 15 years. But
when Louis’ company has a rival accuse his firm of being a Ponzi scheme,
Louis’ firm begins to fall from high stature and he calls up his pal Billy
to again help him in a comedic plan to save face.
Ray Peterson (Tom Hanks)
At the end of The ‘burbs, Ray was both embarrassed and then vilified of
his suspicions of the Klopek’s – the new neighbors that were indeed as evil
as the community believed. Ray lived on one of our favorite streets of all
time. He had an intrusive and borderline retarded neighbor in Walt, a young
punk that looked a lot like Corey Feldman, and a neighbor that was a former
army Lt. that takes surveillance way too seriously. The story came to a
close at film’s end and we can assume the street went back to normal.
Update Suggestion: There is a new development that is going to require
the relocating of the street to a new area in town build to house those
being displaced. But their new residences are not yet built and their houses
are set to be demolished. As a result, the building contractors put Ray,
Walt, Lt. Rumsfield and Ricky Butler all in the same house to live for a
month until their new homes are ready. Then have something or someone end up
dead and have the movie turn into a form of the game Clue with all of the
residents of the home being a suspect.
David (Matthew Broderick)
David was the computer whiz who ended up hacking into the military
computers and almost launched World War III. Luckily, Dabney Coleman gave
him a chance to let the super computer play tic-tac-toe which simulated that
nuclear war was a no-win situation (it sounded waaaay cooler back in 1983)
Update Suggestion: David is now working as a peace activist when the
Pentagon calls on him as a new menacing hacker has stolen information from a
military hard drive that may reveal the identities of CIA agents. David then
has to leave his pacifist life and go undercover himself in a deadly game of
espionage where he must again use his honed computer skills to thwart a
nuclear attack on American soil.
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