Upcoming Horror Pre-Rated An exclusive article by Tristan Sinns Traditionally, reviews are done by a rigorous process in which a critic first views a film, analyzes what they’ve seen, mulls it over, and then performs a stringent breakdown and summary based upon their own personal critical tastes. The great bulk of modern day critics, if not all, follow something like this process; the most notable step being the notion that you should view the film before reviewing it. Hah! Watch the film first? Balderdash! Sometimes you just can’t see the movie, such as when, well, it isn’t released yet and no amount of stalking the director gets you into a screening. Not that I haven’t tried the stalking bit. Sorry about squashing the flowers under your bedroom window last night. You know who you are. Like any dedicated horror fan, I spend a bit of time every day reading various boards and other sources in order to get a feel for what’s peeking over the bloody horizon of horror. The following upcoming horror film pre-ratings are based upon rumor, innuendo, plain visceral instinct, and, in general, by not seeing the movie. The numbers may change drastically on the day they actually let me into the theater, but for now, these are my expectations. Adjust your calendars accordingly. Did I miss any films you want pre-rated? Disagree with any of these ratings? Want to buy me a taco? Shoot me an email at tsinns@killerreviews.com and let me know! Halloween (August 31): Pre-rating: 2.5 - 4.5 / 5.0 A film that hardly needs any introduction is Halloween, a brand spanking new version of the great 1978 slasher. Rob Zombie has taken a significant risk for his film career, and perhaps his own safety, by taking this classic and remolding it into his own vision. Fans of this film are some of the more rabid within the horror genre, and already the angry gnashing of teeth and stomping of feet can be heard echoing through the broken hills. The early buzz is a most mixed batch of murmurings with many claiming it to be rubbish and others suggesting we wait and see it before judging. A few lucky have already caught the film in test screenings and those reports are also mixed. Some loved it, and some really didn’t. I have to give this film an extremely wide variance in my expectations, the widest on this list. The only way to know, once and for all, whether this film is a successful reinvention of the original Halloween will be to get out there and see it in the theater. I’ll be there. Hatchet (September 7) Pre-rating: 4.0 - 4.5 / 5.0 Your average every day bear has likely not heard of the upcoming brutality that is Hatchet, however, you can bet your picnic basket that every dedicated horror genre fan has caught its scent. Adam Green’s return to the 80’s slasher has been much trumpeted by some in the horror media as well as by those lucky few who have already seen the film. From what I understand, there was quite a battle to get this film a wide release, and I’ve also had it impressed upon me that it is one film that deserves the theater time. Hatchet is reported to be savagely gory and damned funny to boot. Set in pre-Katrina New Orleans, the film exploits a fairly classic plot structure wherein a local mutant lashes out at the abuse he suffers at the hands of the local townsfolk. This is done through a brutal assault of practical effects including 100% real vomit. Real barf always gets a theater rolling. Expect a gory and fun film time-warped straight from the 80’s. Get to it and see it! Resident Evil: Extinction (September 21) Pre-rating: 3.0 - 3.5 / 5.0 I have to admit something here. I liked the first two Resident Evil movies. The “I admit” part of that last sentence should clue you into the fact I take these as guilty pleasures. They certainly aren’t fine examples of genre brilliance; however they are, at least to me, fun mindless zombie romps that are just right for a matinee. I don’t really expect much different from this chapter in the series. Paul Anderson wrote the screenplay, just as he did for the other two (as well as directing the first), which pretty much guarantees some consistency. The fact that Russell Mulcahy, who also directed Highlander over 20 years ago, took up the director’s chair is interesting but isn’t enough to really change my expectations. It is very likely that Resident Evil: Extinction will provide the same level of zombie bashing glory as the first two. Did you like the first two films? Then go and enjoy this third one! Trick r’ Treat (October 5) Pre-rating: 4.0 - 4.5 / 5.0 Knocking right at the front door of October is this spooky little gem which has generated a quiet burbling of positive buzz over the last few months. The film is actually four stories intertwined, all taking place within the same universe and loosely connected with each other. Word is this is a moody and atmospheric work of horror that perfectly captures the mischievous and perhaps malevolent spirit of the Halloween season. The trailer is out and looks awesome, and the early word from screenings is also very positive. The man at the helm, Michael Dougherty, is fairly new to the director’s chair but is an established screenwriter, being behind such films as Superman Returns and X2. Normally I wouldn’t expect the writer of these two films to be likely to pull off directing a quality horror film (neither were top notch, in my opinion), however the things I’ve heard have me thinking he just may have done something good here. Be cautious; there is a rumor that this film may be postponed to 2008! Rogue (October 12) Pre-rating: 3.0 - 4.0 / 5.0 Director Greg Mclean is bringing us another horror story set in the great Australian outback. If the name doesn’t wring a bell, here’s a reminder: Wolf Creek. I liked Wolf Creek. It wasn’t a perfect picture, but it did have a tension and energy all of its own. Rogue, coming out in early October, departs from Wolf Creek’s killer human and ventures into the realm of killer animals, more specifically, a gigantic man-eating crocodile. Wolf Creek is evidence enough to me that Mclean has some skill, and I’m expecting to be entertained by Rogue. This has the feel of a “When Animals Attack” film done right. There are a few who have seen the film lurking around, and everything said about it has been positive. Expect a good time. A note of caution: there’s been some jockeying of the release date of Rogue, and for awhile it was even rumored to go straight to DVD. Things are still quite dynamic. Let’s hope we see it in theaters in October. 30 Days of Night (October 19) Pre-rating: 4.5 / 5.0 That 4.5 might seem pretty precise, don’t you think? I’ll tell you why. I’m one of the few lucky bastards who have actually gotten to see the awesome thing that is 30 Days of Night. This isn’t a pre-rating; it’s real. A full review is pending release as I have a modicum of ethics and the screening I saw was a test group only; however I will say that this film is a must see for any horror fan as well as for anyone who enjoys a film that will make them twitch in their seat. A clan of vampires descends upon a sleepy Alaskan town that’s shutting down for 30 days of full darkness. The following fight for survival is brutal, savage, mean, and beautiful to behold. This is a stark tale, savage and tense, with vampires that are more a werewolf archetype than the frilly dandy vampires that have become popular of late. The film is simply intense, bearing only slight comedy relief, and is somewhat on par with John Carpenter’s The Thing both in the obvious setting of a secluded and removed artic population as well as its mean tension and suspense. Get to it and see it once it hits the theaters. No regrets! Funny Games (October 26) Pre-rating: 3.5 - 4.0 / 5.0 This film is a remake of a 1997 German film of the same name, and I’m sorry to say that I haven’t seen the original. The general synopsis, as I understand it, involves two men holding a small family captive and subjecting them to some rather strange and torturous mind games. I’ve heard it described as an odd story, even venturing into the surreal. There is one name that inspires real confidence in this film and that is director Michael Haneke. Michael wrote and directed the French film Caché, which was absolutely brilliant. It is a moody film that is soaked with suspense and mystery and it flows with a thoughtful and slow pacing that can be most accurately described as elegant. Just as Michael wrote and directed Caché, he also wrote and directed Funny Games. Given his credibility from Caché, I find myself hoping that Funny Games just might be something special. Saw IV (October 26) Pre-rating: 3.5 - 4.0 / 5.0 Jigsaw’s back! Or...is he? Saw IV’s new installment promises some inventive story telling considering the anti-hero’s state of being by the end of the last film. Saw is one of the more unique franchises in that it actually seems to improve over time rather than degrade. The bulk of Saw fans I know believe that the second film was better than the first and that the third is better than the second. Well, in going with this pattern, word is that Saw IV is better than the third! And don’t expect it all to end there. Saw V and VI will be on their way soon after, though without director Darren Bousman; instead, they will be directed by David Hackl, the production designer and second unit director on many of the existing Saw films. Good times. Seed (October 31) Pre-rating 1.5 - 2.5 / 5.0 Ohhhhhh, Uwe Boll. I love this man. I don’t mean that that in any sarcastic and mean way, either. His films are horrible, but they’re the sort of horrible that heralds genius. Seed tells the story of a death row prisoner who survives three jolts on the electric chair and then is buried alive, only to crawl out of the grave to exact revenge on his jailors. It’s also, at least from what I can tell, not based on a video game. Pre-rating this film low feels a little like plunking at a crawdad in a bucket. I’d really love it if Boll kicked out a great horror film. On the brighter side of Boll, his offensive comedy Postal (which is based on a video game), actually looks like it might be funny. Perhaps rude comedy is Boll’s true calling. P2 (November 9) Pre-rating 2.5 - 3.5 / 5.0 There’s little buzz about this film, though I did happen to catch a trailer for it last night before Superbad (which was super awesome, but I digress). P2 is named after the level in a parking structure in which the film takes place. Apparently a woman becomes trapped on this parking structure level and is then stalked by a rather unstable security guard. The film is helmed by first time director Franck Khalfoun, who also wrote the screenplay with help from notable Alexandre Aja. Aja, if you might remember, was responsible for directing Haute Tension (Get over the twist, people! It’s a great film!), as well as the Hills Have Eyes remake. Both films were awesome. P2 feels like a great unknown to me, but Aja’s involvement, even if limited, carries at least some promise. The Mist (November 21) Pre-rating: 4.0 - 4.5 / 5.0 The Mist appeared in Stephen King’s Skeleton Crew, a collection of horror stories written early in his career. The Mist is the first story in the book, long enough to be called a novelette, and is, in my opinion, one of the man’s best short stories ever. I simply loved this story. Its combination of an invasion by bizarre and imaginative monsters along with a Lord of the Flies twist is genius, and its pacing is a perfect blend of both adventure and horror. Pushing my faith higher is director Frank Darabont, who also directed Stephen King based films The Green Mile, and The Shawshank Redemption. This is a sincere and talented director who’s shown he can breathe King’s stories to full filmic life. I was lucky enough to catch the panel for this film at the recent Comic Con in San Diego, and Frank showed the crowd a couple of scenes that looked great. The monsters themselves were, for the most part, kept from us at this point, however they are reported to be a balanced mix of practical and CGI effects. Get to it and see it! Day of the Dead (FALL) Pre-rating: 1.0 - 2.0 / 5.0 Oh, the pain. I liked the Dawn of the Dead remake a couple years ago. It’s no surprise that Day of the Dead is next. However, keep in mind, this is not a sequel to the Dawn of the Dead remake. Instead, this is a stand-alone remake of Day of the Dead. Confused? Don’t be. This film doesn’t deserve the effort of understanding. This story is reported to feature active, aggressive zombies that can drive cars, climb walls, and use firearms. No, I’m not making that up. Remember the zombie Bud from the original? Well, in this version, the living Bud was a vegetarian, and so now, as a zombie, he doesn’t want to eat people because he just doesn’t do meat. This isn’t, from what I understand, meant to be funny either, except perhaps in that Nicholas-Cage-Wicker-Man sort of funny. It’s just going to be a train wreck of a film. Avoid at all costs, unless you have a sick interest in bad film making (which, for better or worse, I do). No solid release date has been given for this film beyond the vague time frame of the fall. Something tells me that there should be no surprise if it goes straight to DVD. I Am Legend (December 14) Pre-rating 2.5 - 3.0 / 5.0 Richard Matheson’s novelette, I Am Legend, is one solid literary horror classic and has made its way to film numerous times. It was the basis for The Last Man on Earth starring Vincent Price, as well as The Omega Man with Charlton Heston. It even, through transitive logic, was part of the basis for a Simpson’s Halloween bit known as The HΩmega Man (part of the Treehouse of Horror VII episode). I Am Legend is a tense story of one man’s struggle to survive in a world where the rest of the population has become bloodthirsty vampires. We get to know this lone man, Neville, rather well as the story follows his solitary day-to-day operations. He actively wages a defensive war against the hordes of the undead with lethal competence; however he’s also a tragically sympathetic character and suffers from the loneliness and depression that comes with being the last man on earth. The end product is a rather intimate and personal story of a man struggling to survive in an ultimately hopeless situation. Will Smith stars as the leading role of Neville, which doesn’t really give me much confidence. I remember too easily his performance in I, Robot, a film that, while not miserable, certainly didn’t live up to the stories of Isaac Asimov. It is being directed by Constantine director Francis Lawrence. The screenplay was written by Mark Protosevich and Akiva Goldman, who also wrote the screenplays for Poseidon, and I, Robot, respectively. This “I, Robot” taint is extremely worrisome to me, and the Poseidon connection nearly sinks the ship. The trailer itself looks decent; however I dislike the high intense action sequences of fighter jets bombing bridges in great leaping bouts of flame. As mentioned, the written novelette is an intimate and personal story of one man’s fight to survive in an apocalyptical world; eye candy scenes of fighter jets dropping bombs are not intimate and personal. My worry is that this film will go for eye-popping CGI money shots and product placement close-up’s of Will Smith’s Adidas shoes. Time will tell. The Orphanage (December 28) Pre-Rating: 4.0 - 5.0 / 5.0 The Orphanage looks to be an atmospheric ghost story involving a woman who discovers some rather dark secrets hidden in her beloved childhood home. It’s been described by IGN as “This year’s Pan’s Labyrinth”, and there are other murmurings across the net that praise its powerful and creepy supernatural horror. Like Pan’s Labyrinth, this film is set in Spain and is also in the Spanish language. The trailer is also available, and looks truly creepy. This film is produced by Guillermo del Toro (a God of a director, if there ever was one), and it is the first film he’s produced that he’s also going to present. In his own words, he thinks “...that producing is like dating – but presenting is like marriage.” This strong endorsement by one of horror’s most competent directors gives The Orphanage significant promise. I can’t wait! Feature is property of KillerReviews.com - Copyright 2007 Thanks for reading!