Posted by: GregMo Roberts Source:Killer Reviews
Nudity and horror are the like the peanut butter and jelly of film – they complement each other just perfectly. You are never more vulnerable than when you are naked and thanks largely in part to horror films being routinely directed by self-proclaimed geeks, some of the best moments in my horror watching history have come when a naked girl is moments away from her imminent death.
There is just something about a naked woman in a movie full of violence and gore that that fits like perfectly sized condom. So much so that we (ok, I) will admit that some horror movies have, in their most erotic of moments, aroused my manhood to a state of salute for the almighty bareness on screen. In short, we (ok, I) call these films ‘boner-ific!’
Killer Reviews got our crack team together to discuss our Most Boner-ific movies and we were able to come up with 10 movies that contained scenes where the trouser snake was erected from his tomb. If you haven’t seen any of the titles – you should. And if you have seen them, you will know exactly what we are talking about.
Here now are out Top 10 Boner-ific Films
Videodrome (1983) Director David Cronenberg is no stranger to mixing violence and erotica in the same film. But it was 1983’s Videodrome that really hit us between the legs. The story has James Woods playing a television cable programmer who stumbles across a porno show called ‘Videodrome’ that features sexual fantasies – usually of the S and M sort. Whether it was an Asian woman pleasuring herself, a fully naked woman being whipped or James Woods all but having intercourse with his pulsating television, Cronenberg pushed our buttons and in 1983 if you bought stock in tissue paper, you likely made money.
The Descent (2006) This one might surprise any that have screened the Neil Marshall modest hit. Particularly since no one gets naked in the film. Yet, seven beautiful women who go on a caving expedition only to come in contact with a mutated breed of predators still have us the rock solids. Maybe it was the British accents. Maybe it was the hiking shorts. Or maybe it was just the idea of seven women diving into a large hole. Who knows, but we’d go to the wilderness with these women anytime. Especially since we are already pitching a tent.
Piranha (2010) Alexandre Aja knows how to prep the carrot for waxing (you may see another of his movies on our list – wink, wink, nod nod). With Piranha, he was at his naughty best. Titties were followed by more titties and even more titties. And just when we thought that our baby dispenser needed recharging, Aja throws in an underwater full frontal naked ballet with stars Kelly Brock and Riley Steele. In 3 freakin D! There was so much T and A in Piranha that I didn’t even mind that a burping fish spit out a severed penis towards the audience. If I ever met Alexandre Aja I would throw palm leaves in front of him. That is, if I could bend over.
The Hunger (1983) This vampire movie starring David Bowie was directed by Tony Scott (Ridley’s less talented brother) and co-starred Susan Sarandon and Catherine Deneuve. The movie was uneven, and we are being kind, but a lesbian scene between Sarandon and Deneuve can get our motor running quicker than an electric lawn mower. It’s all done artsy-fartsy and it would be considered almost PG-13 in comparison to today’s screen standards, but The Hunger still remains as a good source for wood.
Species (1995) Natasha Henstridge. Oh, how I loved thee. As a sexual alien DNA being, you made my 1995. You weren’t shy about your breasts and you even had the decency to have sex with Alfred Molina – the Ron Jeremy of Species. You take your clothes off more than a few times in Species and each time I matched your nakedness from my couch. Thank you for validating our decision to Scotchgard when we purchased the sofa in 1993.
From Dusk Till Dawn (1996) Two words can sum up why Robert Rodriguez’s From Dusk Till Dawn awakened the beast below – Selma Hayak. The movie is an incredibly violent vampire tale starring George Clooney and Harvey Keitel. But there is one scene in the Titty Twister Bar where Salma Hayak appears on stage and does an erotic dance with a large snake around her shoulders. The dance quiets the rowdy room and routinely causes me to drool like Stephen Hawking with a bad cold.
Lifeforce (1985) Tobe Hooper’s film about an alien race of vampires is a routinely overlooked entry from the mid-1980’s. Most memorable in the film was actress’ Mathilda May’s nude scenes. Mathilda played an alien brought back to earth that is in female form and walks about naked for the first few chapters of the film. Her perfect body and well rounded tits were a revelation to the geek generation circa 1985 and I dropped more seed watching her walk about of the lab and down the street buck naked than Muhammad Ali at a bird feeder.
High Tension (2003) Director Alexandre Aja stirred my scrotum pot for the first time with 2003’s High Tension. The highly violent French film had a few scenes that had the Eiffel Tower appear in our PJ’s. The first was when star Cécile De France masturbates in an extended scene. Then there is another scene where she watches her friend shower through a window. Even a scene where a stranger gets a blow-job via a severed head didn’t deter our missile launcher from achieving Defcon 1 readiness.
Embrace of the Vampire (1995) Evidently 1995 was a good year. Natasha Henstridge helped me get through the cold months and Alyssa Milano assisted with matters during the summer. In this highly enjoyable (for skin only) film, Milano plays an 18-year old student who is seduced by a vampire. Milano goes topless on a few occasions and during repeat viewings I have let baby juice flow through my fingers like Michael J. Fox would with coins at a parking meter. I can’t remember anything about the film years later outside of the nudity. That’s what makes it such a Boner-ific film!