Abraham Lincoln once said, “I do loveth a good set of titties”. Ok, the former immortalized President of the United States didn’t actually say that. But he might have. Especially if he had access to some of the wonderful moments of nudity that have flashed on big screens and small through film productions.
I, a mere mortal man, have long marveled over some of the spectacles of gratuitous nudity that have been presented to me via theatrical releases over the years. Some have left a more indelible mark than others. Some have tantalized me (God bless you, Porky’s) while others have terrorized me (Kathy Bates – About Schmidt).
I had fun recounting my favorite and most memorable nude scenes on film and through much debate and self-abusing; I have been able to confidently display a list of GregMO’s 10 Most Memorable Nude Scenes On Film.
The list may display more favoritism to certain actresses which may make some of my choices unique, but these film presented moments live within the happy portion of my brain and will long be revered for years to cum come.
10. Michelle Johnson – Blame it on Rio (1984)
I was lucky enough to see this film when it was released in theatres back in 1984. The scene of Demi Moore (pre-implants) and Michelle Johnson walking on the beach was an ESPN Turning Point for me. I was only 14 seeing Johnson’s tata’s gave me that tingling feeling in the nether regions. I became a Johnson fan and scooped up any film which promoted her name (Waxwork, The Jigsaw Murders). But nothing will defeat her film debut in Blame it on Rio. There isn’t much too the scene, but there was much of Johnson to behold.
9. Christina Ricci – Prozac Nation (2001)
I had long been a fan of Christina Ricci’s. Right from her performance as Wednesday Addams in The Addam’s Family back in 1991. I watched as she grew up – and out. By the time the late 1990’s came around, Ricci was looking hotter than the surface of the sun and then, in 2001, Ricci decided to bare all in Prozac Nation. She looked as comfortable nude as I felt uncomfortable watching. Everything was as perfect as I had imagined under my Star Wars comforter with a flashlight. In 2001, I would have had no idea what a ‘bucket list’ was. But if I had, I would have been taking out the Sharpie and running a thick black line through this ‘To-See’.
8. Jamie Lee Curtis – Trading Spaces (1983)
Yes, it was a breakthrough movie for Eddie Murphy. Yes, the film was a popular success earning almost $100 million at the box office. And yes, it was damn funny. But it was Jamie Lee Curtis (pre-pooping yogurt ads) that had us going back to the theatre for repeat viewings. Jamie was long known as the original ‘Scream Queen’ thanks to roles in horror films Halloween, Prom Night and Terror Train. But she went out on a limb and tried comedy in this John Landis directed laughfest. The scene of Curtis standing in the doorway with breasts abounding could only have been better if it had been in 3D. Jamie has carved out quite a name for herself over the years and has over 64 titles registered to her name on imdb.com. But if I was in a psychiatrists office and they asked me to name the first thing that came to my mind when they say ‘Jamie Lee Curtis’ – I would bellow out “Trading Spaces” without hesitation. Then I would excuse myself and head to a restroom.
7. The shower scene – Porky’s (1982)
This will be the only entry on my list that is not specific to one person/actor. Porky’s was a huge hit back in 1982 from the mind of writer/director Bob Clark and no scene in the film was more popular than the infamous ‘shower scene’. The idea behind the moment was as juvenile as was my reaction. A group of high school boys find a hiding spot behind the walls of the girls shower room where they are able to gaze in wonder at the lovely naked wet spectacles that are their classmates. “I never seen so much wool. You could knit a sweater” became one of my favorite lines of the 1980’s, and the scene, equally so. There is not a straight high school guy that hasn’t imagined doing exactly what Billy, Tommy Turner and Pee Wee did that day, and I became a better man having seen it.
6. Barbara Hershey – The Entity (1982)
Ok, even I admit that this one is a little freaky to have on the list. After all, any scenes involving Barbara Hershey and her nude self in The Entity occurs when she is being raped by an unknown supernatural force. But this was 1982 and my experience with the female naked body was still a little on the shy side. So when Miss Hershey (whom I had already seen in The Stuntman and Take This Job and Shove It!) did full frontal in The Entity, I was quick to wear out the pause button on my VHS VCR. Seeing her breasts fondled via special effects were a highlight of my 1982 year and was a welcomed diversion whenever I wasn’t trying to catch John Carpenter’s The Thing. Hershey is showing her age a little now that she is 64-years of age (her face has more lines on it than a mirror in the movie Scarface), but in 1982 – Wowza!
5. Tanya Roberts – The Beastmaster (1982)
1982 strikes again on the list, this time showcasing Charlie’s Angels star Tanya Roberts. This forgettable film showcasing Marc Singer in a sword and sorcery fantasy had little to cheer about. But the scene with Tanya Roberts bathing and showing off her breastesess was enough to have me pay over $60 to grab a VHS copy of my own. Watching Tanya bathe might have been the first recollection I have of saying “I love you” out loud in a theatre. This natural redhead was a natural beauty and made The Beastmaster my Beatmaster.
4. Kelly Preston – Mischief (1985)
Before she was ex-Mrs. Travolta, Preston was a hottie. Well, she still is. But in 1985, she was scorching. And her scene where she lets the hounds out had me turning tube socks into make-shift casts. You might not remember the scene or even the movie for that matter, but trust me, it was worth every $2 (which was what a movie cost back in 1985) that I spent in repeat viewings.
3. Mathilda May – Lifeforce (1985)
A critical and box office bomb when released in 1985, Tobe Hooper’s Lifeforce is actually a small hidden gem. The movie about alien vampires that turn the human race into zombies was original, but the most original thing that I remember about the multiple screenings was any scene that included actress Mathilda May. May plays one of three alien vampires and the good thing about space women is that they don’t seem to have a need for clothes. May spends most of the film walking around completely nude and her supple breasts and hairy bush made me want to change my name to Moses so that I could spread her legs like the Red Sea.
2. Alyssa Milano – Embrace of the Vampire (1995)
Back in 1995, Alyssa Milano was in a state of flux. Her career as the young girl in Who’s the Boss ended in 1992 and Milano was anxious to be taken as a serious actress. So, in 1995, she accepted a role in Anne Goursaud’s Embrace of the Vampire where she went full monty on a couple of occasions. The little girl who played Arnold Schwarzenegger’s daughter in Commando was all grown up. Big time. And when you throw in an orgy scene to what was a very erotic film, the result was a movie than had me spill more seed than Michael J. Fox would quarters at a parking meter.
1. Phoebe Cates – Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)
Another title from 1982. But this one stands out from the rest. The Judge Reinhold fantasy moment where Phoebe Cates comes out of the pool and walks in slow motion as she opens her top and reveals her titties was the highlight (‘THE’ highlight) of my nude remembrances. Reinhold was not alone in his attempts to pull, tug and choke in the privacy of an unlocked washroom. Phoebe Cates looked amazing and those two breasts helped me sleep on nights where I ate way too much sugar. They don’t give Academy Awards for breasts (they should by the way), but if they did, Cates would have one proudly displayed in her trophy case.
Other notables that barely missed out on our list:
Jewel Shepard - Night of the Living Dead (1985)
Anne Hathaway – Havoc (2005)
Nicole Kidman – Billy Bathgate (1991)
Natalie Portman – Closer (2004)