Reviewer Film Ratings:
Plot: 2 | Fun Factor: 1.5 | Gore: 1 | Nudity: 0 | Scare Factor: 1 | Overall: 1.5/5

Prince of Poop
Reviewed by GregMO ROberts

Continuing the summer parade of inferior films, Disney’s Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time enters theatres just in time for Memorial Day weekend. Adapted from the video game, Prince of Persia stars Jake Gyllenhaal as Dastan, an adopted prince to the thrown of King Sharaman who will go on an adventure as exciting as popping a boil on your big toe. The film begins with a narrative and shows us a young Dastan run, jump and dance around the King’s soldiers in cirque du soleil fashion. The King takes to the acrobat boy and adopts him as one of his own. Fast forward 15 years and Dastan turns into Jake Gyllenhaal (or the other way around), who along with his two brothers, lead an attack on a Holy City as influenced by their uncle, Nizam, played unconvincingly by Sir Ben Kingsley. Upon the Persian siege of the city, we learn of a sword containing the sands of time that has the powers to reverse time when a jewel at the top of the handle is activated. It is being protected by the beautiful Princess Tamina (Gemma Arterton) who is about as annoying as Jar Jar Binks on a good day. Things take a turn for the worse when the King is murdered and quick tempers are fast to believe that Dastan is responsible for his father’s death. Dastan and Tamina then take the desert in an attempt to escape death and determine how to clear his name. There is so much wrong with Prince of Persia that it is hard to know where to start. From ridiculous and uninspired action sequences to suicidal ostriches, the film is unintentionally humorous for all the wrong reasons. Director Mike Newell (Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire) can take a fair share of the blame. He channels his inner Michael Bay with sweeping 360 degree shots or entrances through double doors shot in slow motion. Newell keeps the action coming but the characters are so under developed that you won’t really care who gets stabbed, trampled or beaten. Further blame can be easily dispersed amongst screenwriters Boaz Yakin and Doug Miro. Their dialogue banter is a rehash of just about every other action film with embarrassing lines such as “The gods have a plan for you. A destiny” and “Have you wondered how you could have found such a treasure”. Even typing it for this review I found myself yawning. And their attempts to be topical by having the assault on the Holy City of Alamut being based upon a lie of weapons of mass destruction being hidden within the city walls, was uncalled for and had little relevance. Prince of Persia might have been able to survive the bad script and so-so special effects if the villain was somewhat inspired. But Kingsley’s Nizam is a transparent bore and it is laughable that Dastan can fight his way through armies, but has trouble fighting off and disposing of 57-year-old Ghandi. With battle scenes that have less blood than one of my morning shaving experiences and characters that were more boring than the sappiest moment in a Twilight novel, Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time continues the summer of the duds. Thank the gods it wasn’t in 3-D.