When director Alexandre Aja (High Tension) brought us Piranha 3D in 2010, I was there opening week-end in line to lap up all the blood soaked titty action. I laughed at all the right places and enjoyed seeing Elizabeth Shue, Ving Rhames, Richard Dreyfuss and even Adam Scott fight the terribly hungry fishies - unleashed after a tremor - that are set loose on a bodacious bods enjoying spring break.
Two years later and we have Piranha 3DD, this time directed by John Gulager (Feast) and the title and the trailers would lead a unsuspecting public to believe that there will be more gore, more blood and boobs in the second installment.
We pick up the story sometime after the conclusion of the first film. The razor-teeth bearing piranha have swam upstream from Lake Victoria and now find themselves in the feeding ground of Big Wet – a water park that only seems to allow entrance to women with the skimpiest of swim suits and bowling ball implants.
In this unfulfilling entry, Maddy (Danielle Panabaker), Kyle (Chris Zylka) and Barry (Matt Bush) are enjoying the life aquatic when the water turns red and they are thrust into savior and survival mode. Assisting with the fish-food thin plot are returning stars Rhames and Christopher Lloyd and actor David Hasselhoff who plays (wait for it….) himself in a I-hit-rock-bottom performance that is as funny as it is embarrassing.
Director Gulager goes through the usual SyFy motions and presents a movie that goes for more laughs than it does violence. Don’t misrule this as there being no moments of gore. But the violence presented is neither original or as ‘fun’ as the first film (a coughed up penis still ranks up there with one of my favorite 3D moments of all-time). The skin factor is definitely on par. There is even a ‘Cootch Cam’ in the swimming area that gets us some great shots of exiting swimmers and erect nipples and shaven coochies absorb the full frame of the screen.
Still, even as a fan of coochies and boobies and B-style horror films, Piranha 3DD is a miss. One might even say a colossal one. There is just no fun to be had this time around and the tongue-in-cheek jokes just seem too smart-alecky for their setting. Women definitely get the worst of it. When not being paraded around in 3D for the teenage target audience, they are getting their vaginas eaten by small fishes (on more than one occasion I should add).
The body count might be on par, but how we got there was not. This is a sequel that should have remained undone. After the screening, I didn’t feel scared to go in the water. I was scared there might be a Piranha 3DDD.